I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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