I wish my penis had an off switch
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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