My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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