i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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