I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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