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Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
