I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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