I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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