God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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