grandma shit on top of the toilet
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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