...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
