Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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