my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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