I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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