i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
