just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
