I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
