So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
