Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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