hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
