Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
