hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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