i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
