My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
