i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
