so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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