You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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