My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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