Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who died my cat blue again?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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