i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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