I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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