this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
