I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My penis needs a shock collar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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