need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
