its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
