yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
