and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
