OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
