that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
