Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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