Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
