im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
