Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This house was built for laser tag.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
