just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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