Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
