There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
