so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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