Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
