I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
