If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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