I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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