finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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