why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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